Saturday, May 30, 2009

my immature viewpoint

ok so.


ive decided that for an old broad, im immature (you didnt think i named this blog that for the heck of it did you?).

im still very sad about elji but with the help from Allah ive been able to make it through my days a bit better.

im good sometimes, sometimes i panic and wish more than anything for him.

best thing is, even though i dont sleep well still, im not yanked awake anymore by that mysterious pair of hands at 2am...hmmm could that be the super mega dose of benadryl i take each night? yeah maybe.

i still pray we can get our chance...

but im preparing myself to go on with life in case we dont.

wow, i really thought we were gonna make it...see how immature i am? how silly?

old gal/young guy. american/brit. irish american background/pakistani background. born muslim/revert. divorcee/never been married....ya Allah..looooool. my immature brain.

funny thing is...elji actually liked it cause my mind was young....he requested i stay like that even when we grow old together...ouch that memory hurts a bit but inshallah.

at least i dont cry all the time anymore...i think i dont have anymore tears.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

lets lighten it up a bit.....

what was i like in university?? well, lol, i was crushing big time on these guys!!! all lovely brits by the way...unfortunately i cant get the code for the real video for the second one.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

ive yet to see a sunny day

as much as ive tried, i cant seem to find the brightness in any day. i hate what life has dealt me at this point. i try not to resent, i try to accept what Allah has given me and forge ahead but its damned hard. im not sure whats going to happen at this point but i do know that my gut stays in a constant roll and im sick of it.

another thing? what happened to friends that just simply offered their hand when you needed one to hold? what happened to shoulders when you needed one to cry on? what happened to "im here for you no matter what." why do friends feel the need to tell what youve done wrong, how youve done wrong, when you did wrong and how they would just love to shake some sense into you. sure some will say they do it cause they care but why not just listen when i need that?? because im confiding doesnt mean i always am seeking advice. just an ear at times.

we've all gone through things in our lives that others may not understand, may not sympathize with, may not have done it that way themselves....but when did we all become so hard and remote that we cant even just be a friend and listen. since when do we all have to have the same decisions, live life the same way, all feel the same feelings and when did we all start not understanding just because another doesnt think or feel the same way. when did we decide that when a person isnt resilient and doesnt bounce back quickly that they are weak and a lesser person. that that person is no longer the person you thought they were.

i am me. i am the me i have always been. i have not changed..but i HAVE been through a situation that no person alive should have to go through. but i did and at this point im still going through it.

i have been judged, spit on and slandered by an entire family, judged and shaken by friends. all in the matter of ONE MONTH.

i am not having an easy time at all. whose fault? why does it have to be anyones fault. why cant it just be the circumstances of the time. just be whats going on in my life. why does their have to be fault.

someone wrote me and said you talk about elji as if he were your hero... a reader from this blog as a matter of fact. said that i had lived my entire life without him and had him for only one year of that life..get over it.

yeah well you know what? he was my hero. and i dont regret a single moment that i spent with him. yes he and i made some major mistakes and i have no doubt that we're paying for those mistakes now. but i dont regret meeting him. i dont regret loving him. i dont regret anything except ever telling his family the way we did.

i honestly dont know what will become of elji and me...i dont know yet....Allahu alim.

i have had maybe 2 or 3 ppl who just listened and gave me a hug when i needed it. and i love them dearly. that didnt say jana youre insane, nuts, you should get over it, you should be shaken, youre an idiot...etc etc etc.

between the putdowns from his family and the putdowns from my friends...ive just had enough.

am i angry? yes a bit. at the whole situation. at the entire thing.

i wake up each day praying that something will get better...that something will give.....that i can stop my head from whirling. that through all of this either elji or me will gain some strength from Allah. i pray and i pray and i pray.

i just want my life back. i want my life back.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

i did talk to him

...i did. he is home. he is ok at best but as sad as i am. we are no more for the sake of his parents. at least now i know.

i wont be blogging for a while because this is too private, raw and emotional

salam for now

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

listening to recitation

...of the Qur'an gives me comfort more than anything. same time makes me feel an ache. reminds me of the prayers being read for me.

im trying to get my life on track. trying to forget. trying to forge on with my life.

it is NOT easy.

i cant believe how far ive fallen.

emotionally that is.

i still shake inside.

but on the outside im cool as a cucumber.

at least i can do that.

i know one day ill be ok inshallah.

but i wont likely forget.

i had no idea our memories would be only that so quickly..memories. i thought we would have a lifetime of memories. i still thank Allah for what i do have.

highlands especially...that was going to be where we were going for our honeymoon. scotland. the highlands.

you know, i really hope that his family didnt convince him that im a bad person. i think that would hurt me more than anything to be honest. even more than his deserting me. even more than finding out he is find out that he believed i was a bad person and not worth having would kill. inshallah he didnt.

i received this in an email yesterday....must remind myself of it often.

“Be passionate about life and family, be forgiving to misdeeds, be understanding of circumstance, and be dignified in your judgments. Love yourself and your life; don't regret what you have done, don't wish for different things, just be happy in what you are and where the journey of life will take you."

Monday, May 18, 2009

work is good medicine

ive discovered that the days i have to work are actually better for me. i work hard and barely have time to think about too much else.

alhamdulillah that i have a busy job!

im ok, i actually slept all night last night (benadry still, but i slept).

i still find myself wondering what happened , what happened and what happened. no its not all i think about, but that thought creeps through every so often.

we were well on our way to marrying, to making a future together. suddenly im at a loss. such a loss.

could i have been so wrong about all of this?

all i can ask for is just to know where he is, if he is ok and what happened to separate the inseparable.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

the raw ache

i feel like i have been left with a raw heart. just aches so badly dont know what to do.

time heals all........oh when can i have my time?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

3 a.m.

........lifted by shoulders by unknown force again. pulled awake against my will. there was a message in my head.

"he did leave you behind. he left you and decided to act as if you dont exist".

that same thing happened this past weekend when i was forced awake. that time the message was.

"he got married."

i would never treat anyone this way. unmercifully. i always think other people would be as just and am disappointed when i see the worst in people.


Friday, May 15, 2009

i needed help

i think i was using this blog as a journal of sorts....sometimes i wake up with feelings of panic that overwhelm me and in the past, elji always said for me to call him if i wake up in a panic and i usually did that, he would read a prayer, talk to me and i would soon go back to sleep as would he. since i dont have that outlet anymore, i come here and start to write.

ive always been an analyzer. i rarely take things at face value and thats just the way i am. i pick things apart and try to understand it in my own way...and this includes trying to understand myself.

i just moved to a new home and in some ways it feels as if i left elji behind at the other home which has caused some of my distress. i spent so much time with him in every room of that home that it i felt him there. but its a good thing at the same time because there is nothing in this new home to remind me of him. in the other home, i remember conversations and where i was sitting and what i was doing at the time. here its just us...the kids and me alhamdulillah.

i realize that i may never have real closure to this situation. but that would help even if it was all bad news that i receive. he's married, didnt love me...anything would help so that i could put this all to bed.

let me say, that i needed (and still need as its not over yet) a friend so badly during this period. someone that understands his culture but also understood that he did love me and tried to fight for me and understands me, my fears, sadness and loss too.

i just needed someone so badly to help me through this. my friends in "real" life dont understand any of this due to the difference in our lives (no exposure to muslims, no exposure to any eastern culture).

and that is one of the reasons that this all has affected me too.....not having had any exposure to the possible horrors of pakistani culture and the control that sometimes happens in those families. the emotional blackmail. ya Allah, that i never do that to any of my children no matter what.

the combination of pak culture, losing Elji suddenly when we were fighting for a future, never hearing another word from him have all contributed to my shaky mental health.

ive never been through anything this odd and twisted in my life i dont think. all so unexpected and sickening. its truly been a shock and a very rude awakening.

plus its the first time in my life that ive not had my mom to turn to...she always listened to everything and understood and comforted me no matter what i did or what i said.

i switch between the grinding sickness of wondering what happened to cause all of this, where he is, how he is, will i ever hear his voice again and missing him, then to anger because he allowed this by going to pk in the first place when i begged him not to, allowing this to happen and then DIDNT EVEN HAVE THE EFFING DECENCY TO CONTACT ME HIMSELF AFTER ALL THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER, THE TRIP TO UK, THE "LOVE". i start to wonder if all my time was wasted and what all of this was for if he gave up so easily.

lets not even mention all of the shyte that his family said about me. ya Allah i pray i never ever for the remainder of my days treat another person, muslim or nonmuslim the way i was treated.

one of my muslimah sisters put this on her facebook page and it speaks volumes about the people around us.

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." -Kahlil Gibran

i pray so hard that i get over this soon and quickly. it is SO hard on me. i try to push it to the back of my mind..but just not knowing...just NOT knowing is what kills me more than anything. not knowing and missing horribly.

if..if...if there is anyone out there that understands me...please, im here. waiting to hear from you inshallah.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

i've a wish (or two).

as usual, its 6am here and ive already been awake for a couple of hours. i grow weary of waking up during the night and feeling the sadness creep in. i try to talk myself out of it. sometimes i can, sometimes i cant. a couple of nights ago, my youngest daughter and i were going to sleep. she prayed for me. "Allah dont let mommy be so sad anymore and let her sleep all night tonight and not wake up til morning". ahhh, Allah loves the small children doesnt He? that night i did sleep til the next morning and had i not needed to get her up for school, i daresay i would have actually slept late!!

it has been one month since i returned from UK. one month since i hugged him goodbye, not knowing at the time that it was a permanent goodbye hug. had i known.......well.

this is just the worst ache ive known in my life. the emptiness and silence are overwhelming. i did something last night i shouldnt have...

every night when i would come home from work, he would call or txt to see if i was leaving yet. my drive home is nearly an hour and he would talk to me via cell throughout my trip home. he was the best company.

last night, as i drove away i felt so lonely for him and that phone call....i hit speed dial for his old cell number..yeah, the one that shows his picture. of course i knew its not a working number anymore. but i guess i was pretending like everything was ok and he would answer like he always did. i would have given anything if i had heard "salam ya doin?". but as usual that silence beats like a loud drum in my ears....or is that my heart?

my wish this morning.

i wish someone had an old grandmother that i could borrow. one that i could go and curl up beside her and cry. lie in her arms. and she'll not tell me ill forget him one day. not tell me that if he had loved me this wouldnt have happened. not tell me Allah didnt like this situation for me. not tell me that the love wasnt real. not tell me to just get over it and get on with my life.

she would just let me be in her arms and soothe me. comfort me. offer me safety.

.............and let me sleep there.

Monday, May 11, 2009

today was a wicked day

truly was a wicked day for every turn, even when i didnt mean to think of him i did anyway. everything and anything reduced me to tears and i HATE this.

i had fake conversations with him in my head...of things i would like to say if i ever get the chance to speak to him again. no im not losing it (yet) just helps to get some of the pressure off my chest.

i dont recollect ever loving anyone this way.

in an effort to take back control of my life, i changed my cell phone number. why? well it beats looking at the cell phone every couple of hours just to make sure "i didnt miss his call". and i dont want anyone in his family to EVER freaking call me again. not ever.......those conversations bordered on the insane.

second effort? im moving to another home this week...change of scenery, fresh atmosphere. this home not only was my home with my ex husband. the home we picked out together, but it is also a constant reminder of times with elji.

im sure thats a bit hard for those on the outside looking in to understand....elji and i lived a life together as best we and chat many many times daily. we talked while i cooked (i would send pics of what i cooked to him), talked while i washed dishes, while i watched tv, we watched videos on youtube together, news, even when we went to the bathroom lol. even sitting here at this computer now reminds me of each day that we sat and chatted using our webcam. we actually made our life this way. in the beginning it was just chat...we actually progressed over the months to get to this point. we did the best we could..alhamdulillah.

this is a big step for me. moving to a new environment with no reminders of anything! a big yard for my little one and inshallah a chance to move ahead.

i know these sound like extreme steps but the pain of losing him with the stress of dealing with an unknown and very different culture made this doubly hard.

we all deal with things differently, we all have to heal the best way we can.

i know ill still have days i want to just break apart and throw myself from the bridge but inshallah inshallah i can get over this and sleep throughout the night and wake up to a sunny day.

dont forget me friends!

i need to dig my way out

ive become covered in mire it seems over this past year. for the sake of my own mental health and overall well being i have to find a way to dig my way out of this pit.

elji was the brightest spot that i have ever known in my life. this situation is not even 3 weeks old and it is so very painful. the people who tell me to move on, get over it, dont talk about it anymore just have no clue. though i can get through my days better, i still have periods where missing him and wondering about him just use all of my energy and nearly break me. generally when i least expect it.

i still wake up after 2 or 3 hours of sleep in a sweat, a state of panic. my mind races wildly. and its not a gradual awakening. no. im literally jerked from a deep deep sleep as if someone were lifting me up by my shoulders and prying my eyelids open.

i know its the stress, the anxiety, the sadness, the missing , the fear of the unknown, the loss of love...the loss of elji.

the grieving is unbearable at times. i talk to Allah but i wish i had a person who listened that truly understood and didnt tell me to dismiss it. i wish i had my mom.

alas, the person who understood me more than anyone in this world and never dismissed anything i had to say was elji.

had i any inkling that all of this would have ended in such a way...i dont know...would i have stopped it sooner?

i dont know if he got married. i dont know anything. i think thats what causes the panic. the unknown. he left with the best intentions of trying to convince his parents and promising to return with good news and it turned into the biggest, most unbelievable nightmare.

i always wonder what happened that led up to his cell being turned off permanently, i wonder what happened before his parents called, what happened after they called, what happened that led up to his brother txting our "break up" to me, what happened afterwards, did he suffer, is he sad, is he ok, is he missing me as much as i miss him, is he wishing for me as much as i wish for him, do the memories of our time in england play in his head as they do mine, does he hear the sound of my voice as i hear his, do our past conversations play over and over for him, does he still see us walking to the fish and chip shop to sit in the park to eat and talk, does he still hear me singing the lullaby to him til he sleeps as i hear him reading prayes to me til i sleep? i still have his shirt and smell his scent though i try not to do this too often as it really hurts me but sadly enough he will no longer have my scent as his family destroyed this gift.

i wonder i wonder and i wonder.

i ask Allah in a thousand different ways to help me to move past all of this. to be prepared if i learn that he is married. of course theres nothing i can do about any of that, but it will be such a hard blow to think of him married to another.

we had some of the most wonderful plans and beautiful dreams. i honestly thought they would come to fruition and he did too.

pipe dreams. illusions.

my comfort is this.

"Be sure we shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil) but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who, when misfortune strikes them, say: `Indeed we belong to Allah and to Him is our return. Those are the ones upon whom are blessings and mercy from their Lord and it is those who are rightly guided." [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 155]

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî

most important...

"....But you may dislike something which is good for you, and you may like something which is bad for you. GOD knows while you do not know." (al-baqarah 2:216)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

good days and bad,

it has been a bit more than 2 weeks since elji went to pakistan and its been two weeks ago today that i heard from him. that doesnt seem like a long period of time in the scheme of things but for me it has felt like an eternity. alot can happen in 2 weeks. im trying to piece my life back together...i look like a patchwork quilt right about now.

i still miss elji daily. i try not to think about him so much though. that doesnt help me at all. once in a while, i still find tears welling up in my eyes and i fight that too. i miss him the most before i go to sleep.

i wonder if he is married now. if that is the only way he would be able to leave pakistan. if that is what he did to make up to his parents for his huge blunder.

i wonder how he was so weak. i wonder how he allowed this to happen. i wonder if i was just a dream for him that he knew he couldnt have.

i wonder why i didnt know about the reality of pakistani culture.

i get pissed at myself for letting this happen. i get pissed at myself for loving him so hard. i get pissed at myself for letting his family eat me alive. i get pissed for losing him. i get pissed for agreeing to lie.

but do you know what really hurts???

the lack of manners, the lack of respect, the lack of courtesy, the lack of human compassion that his siblings possess as muslims. the picture they painted of me is less than desirable.

even if they objected to me, where was there respect for another muslim? no all muslims are not good but we are supposed to treat each other with utmost respect and courtesy. where was i in that lineup? perhaps that courtesy and respect is only extended to people who are not trying to marry a family member. people who know their place.

did they feel that their anger permitted them to strip me of my dignity? to expose me and backbite?

though elji always said "are you marrying me or my family?", the family would have destroyed us had we married so maybe all worked out for the best.

i dont love elji any less and forgive him for all of this....i guess i do. i say that because since the pain has reached its peak, the anger is setting in. i feel like the very least he could do is send me an email saying "i am sorry for what i allowed to happen in your life.". maybe its out of his control right now. but i just know that if the shoe were on the other foot, i would demand to be able to write him and tell him that i love him and im sorry for all that happened. that it was out of my control. forgive me." i would want him to have some peace. some closure. more than anything for him to know that i didnt want this to happen.

i had somone tell me that i shouldnt try to fill my emptiness with a man. you know, we are all different in the way we live life and in what we need. i do want a decent husband! im not 20 and have the rest of my life ahead of me. im 47 and we all know the older you get the harder it is. its my right as a human, a muslim, a woman to have a good and decent husband. as a muslim that is half our deen. when i met elji i wasnt even thinking to become involved with anyone..definately not looking for a husband.

elji would have been a fanstastic husband. what a blessing it was to have known him! he showed me how loving and concerned a man can be. he lifted me up so much. his family turned us into crash test dummies. but from this experience, i know i want this in my my life....a wonderful companion who really loves. who really gives. if thats filling a hole, then so be it....let me get my shovel and pack it in. inshallah i can find happiness again...permanent happiness.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

talking and thinking

i dont know why comments disappear here!! i hate that. lisa i posted 3 of yours and one showed up...i cant let myself think about it too much because i just crumble into a pile of blubbering jello. the times that i forget that he's not going to be on the other end of the phone is just countless...Allah has given me strength. real strength. i can make it through the day and i can talk about it without crying so hard...but there are so many reminders of him, i just fall apart at know, we just met in UK 3 weeks ago. those memories are so precious to me. and i should still be celebrating that wonderful time instead of mourning the loss of this light in my life...with elji, i simply found a human being that thought the way i thought, whose ideas about life and religion matched mine, a person who taught me how to become even closer to Allah, someone who cared about me truly, we thought the same things were funny, loved cooking shows, liked to eat good food but most of all we just loved. loved each other and respected each other.

i ended up being accused of using him and grooming him for his money...i have no clue about any finances. i didnt care if we lived under a tree. he didnt care if we lived under a tree either but he wanted me taken care of. i wish you knew how many times he said "J, im going to take care of you but at the same going to teach you how to take care of yourself because one day i may be gone before you."

we had so many plans and they were solid plans...not fairytale and unrealistic.

his last email to me was glorious. speaking of how much he respects me and how we have truly merged into one person.

if Allah would just allow the chance, what a happy life i would have..but its all in His hands. Allahs hands.

i can still hear him call me at the airport when he spotted me and the look on his face when i turned around and how we sat at the bus stop holding hands.

i pray to Allah that those memories never fade away. that they will become less important one day no matter what happens to me..

Allah gave him to me for a reason even if for a short time.

had i known that our time would have been cut short so unexpectedly, i would have cherished those moments..especially our time in england...even more, if thats possible.

part of me is angry with him for not being stronger but the other part is grateful for that man who tried to take the bull by the horns and fight for me. he was up against the steel wall of pakistani culture though.

i write all of this with eyes brimming with tears, aching for the love that filled my life so full.

ya Allah help me...please.

Monday, May 4, 2009

my new life as an insomniac

its been 2 1/2 weeks since my return from the UK. since that time and after enduring stress from elji's family, ive not slept more than 3 hours per night and thats with the assistance of a "sleep aid" which is just benadryl and ive dropped down a couple of clothing sizes, my scrub pants literally hanging off my arse.

i dont know how i function properly throughout the day. somehow im able to focus on my work. work happens to be a blessing right now because at least im out of the house and my mind is not churning.

but even that becomes hard because not one single day would pass at work where i was without elji. he would txt me throughout my work day.."how ya doin' J?"."hows your health J?". "take it easy J", "i love you honey...dont work too hard, eat well." loving encouragement throughout the day. when i would take my lunch break, i would spend it with him. but now my cell phone is quiet. a rare txt msg comes through from someone. an occasional call.

i always wonder how he is doing, is he sad, suffering, worrying about me which is something he did daily. always had to check to make sure i was ok. i was never far from his mind. i wonder if he, too, wakes up in fear and reaching for his cell phone. but of course thats not there.

those are the times that i pray the hardest...i force myself to focus on something else so that the pain doesnt return and drown me.

i dont care about the not eating part, theres just no appetite. but i cant ever think to take my iron which is a must for me. and the worst is the insomnia. nearly every night, i can expect to be literally pulled out of a deep, benadryl induced sleep into a state of panic. elji. where is elji? where is elji? where is elji? i try to hear his voice in my mind. i play past conversations in my head...but most of all i just panic. i have to get out of bed and get out of that room. sometimes i wake up and forget that he is in pakistan. i reach for my cell phone to check for a txt msg or missed call. a voice mail. and then that realization, that remembrance, that horror of reality makes my stomach grind. makes me want to throw myself out of my window.

in the daytime, i can control it better....its the wee hours that kill.

in my wildest dreams, i never knew that this relationship could have such a twist. stuff of movies and exaggerated TV shows. had i known that i could be connected to such a situation , i doubt i would have signed up for it or i just wouldnt have let it advance to the "forever and ever" stage. but its too late now, and its the last thing i needed after my ex kicked up the drama in my life a notch.

only Allah knows how this will turn out...but, i always ask Him to at least let elji contact me eventually to let me now that he is ok and to say our goodbye, inshallah. that hurts to even say that...our goodbye. but if this chapter in my life is indeed closed..i want to at least be able to say i love you and goodbye. my biggest fear is that i will never hear any news of him again, my second biggest fear is that he will be forced to marry there, third is that he is suffering, that he will forget me.

but ive not given up hope. its only been a week since he told them (or someone told them for him). im trying to be patient..what other choice do i have?

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i guess ill try to live.

so. it has been exactly one week at this time of day that i heard from him. no no i take that back..actually tomorrow, sunday, is when he called and was only allowed to ask for me..after that his family took over.

it has been the longest, most tumultuous week ive spent in a while. filled with his family saying wicked things, lies about me, twisting events around to make me look bad, turning good intentions into disgusting actions.

i couldnt win from with them even had i been perfect because i was not what they wanted from him.

so...unless, inshallah, i hear from him eventually (please please), im just going to try to get through each day and try to be strong and hand all of my heartbreak and sorry to Allah.

you know, elji was just great. he IS great. if i never hear from him again i will always wonder about him. we promised each other that if we lost each other that once we're old, we will find each other again inshallah...i told him until that day, ill stay single, move to a little cottage in ireland....

...........and wait for him.

Friday, May 1, 2009

forgive me

for making the blog private but i had no choice. ive decided to reopen it. but it is with heavy heart.

elji loved me like no other..he still does.

i love him.

but ive lost him to his family. they took him from me.

i doubt ill ever hear from him again.

i have to accept that.

but my burden is so heavy.

i try to give it to Allah

but...i woke up this morning forgetting that he is out of my life. i picked up my cell phone (habit) to see if there were any messages.

then i remembered.

l feel like something is crawling over my skin.

i dont know which way to turn.